Surviving Suicide is my journey with my mother’s death.  I hope to process my grief, anger and connect with someone who can relate to this complex tragedy.  If not, then maybe it will help others find comfort in knowing they are not the only one dealing with this form of loss.

I’m 26 years old, married with two beautiful babies.  I should mention that my daughters do not know how she died, and I have no intention of sharing that with them until they are adults.  They have enough to deal with.

My mom was my best friend, my inspiration and my strength.  She was a saint and the world is a worse place without her.  The void she has left is so monumental that everything is overwhelming.

I had a perfectly happy upbringing in a stable Christian home.  Both of my parents were heroes to me in their own ways.  I believe I was a good daughter, who made them happy and proud.  I feel lucky that I was raised by them.

My dad left my mother when I was 26, in a cowardly and devastating way.  I have never witnessed someone hurt another person so intentionally, let alone my father.  She was a good wife for 32 years and did not deserve that disrespect, hurt and abandonment.   Trying to comfort her through this life altering experience at 52 was an enormous stress, when I was also trying to deal with my own emotions about what my father had done to her, and  to me in the process.  My beautiful mother became this shadow of a person so overwhelmed with her own grief and I was now trying to take on the supportive role that she had always given to me.

I had a falling out with my father instantly over this, as I was trying to be a support for my mother. He made it very easy to choose sides in the divorce.  He didn’t return any of my emails for over two months and then didn’t want any contact with me and told me to “Forget he ever existed and move on with my life, and get out of his.”

A VERY stressful Eight months later, with still no positive interaction with my father (nor him with his granddaughters), my mom killed herself.  I was completely shocked, confused and devastated.   It has been four weeks and things with my father are getting progressively worse.  We just went through our first Christmas without either of my parents.  In a way, I’ve lost both of them in 8 months.

A year ago today, my dad babysat my girls twice a week while I worked.  I spoke to my mother everyday on the phone and saw both of them 2-3 times a week.  I only know one other person my age who sees and talks to her parents as much as I did.  Now, my girls and I, are just trying to find a new normal without either of them.

Sure, my father is still around, but how do you forgive someone who isn’t asking for forgiveness?  My mom is responsible for her own actions…but is my father responsible for hurting her so bad, that she felt there wasn’t any other choice?

I pray for comfort, peace and strength as I walk this road alone.  I have a wonderful support group and family.  But no one can really understand how deep this hurt goes for me.  I’m struggling between feeling abandoned, hurt, and angry and then trying to balance being strong and capable for my children and work.  I just hope that we can find a new way to be happy again, someday.

If you have ever experienced anything like this, I would love to hear from you and how you were able to get through it.

 

 

I love you mom.  You are missed every second of everyday.

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